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I never really understood what boundaries were, let alone how to make them or keep them.
I was raised in a culture where boundaries didn’t exist.
I remember, as a child, many neighbours were coming in and out of our house, as they pleased, without needing an appointment.
They knew where the key to the gate was, they’d get it, help themselves in, and all of a sudden, they’d appear in the outdoor kitchen, saying hello, coming in to spend time with my grandmother, for a coffee and a cigarette.
My grandma always loved that, met them with opened arms, they went sat in the garden, chit chat, chit chat.
I wasn’t taught that people’s homes and everything that happened within their own private walls was to be respected.
I never knew that permission needed to be asked to enter these premises, as they were not our own.
It was a free for all, anyone comes and goes as they please, no walls were up, no boundaries were set, everything was opened and free, accessible to anyone, anytime.
That was normal for me, as a child, growing up.
As time went on, I entered my early teens, and this continued.
Until a point, when I turned 16, and our entire family moved, permanently, to Canada.
I was older, more emotionally complex, a rebellious teenager, no consideration for rules, no respect for other people’s wishes.
I remember attending a course. At the beginning of the course, rules were set out.
Be on time, come prepared for the next day, bring your lunch as there isn’t any place to eat around, be prepared you’ll work in groups.
I remember constantly being late, not being prepared, going out to find a place to eat and coming back 1 hour after we were meant to and not working well with the group.
I actually didn’t find that as a problem at all. I didn’t understand why the teacher was becoming more and more frustrated with me and some of the participants started complaining about me. I had no idea I was causing any issues.
Until the teacher pulled me to the side and said ‘you have no consideration for others, you are not following rules and you have no concept of boundaries, you need to start having that now, otherwise you’ll have a difficult life’
She was quite firm telling me that. I still didn’t really get it, as I wasn’t given examples of what that meant.
So I continued my behaviour, as it was before, simply because I didn’t understand what it was she was telling me, neither the severity of it.
I eventually finished the course, but the sternness of her energy stayed with me.
I also knew that the way she talked to me, was divinely guided, so I had to listen, there must be some learning lesson there somewhere.
I observed my life moving forward after that moment, I paid attention to moments when I was being a brat, people would get upset at me, other teachers would pull me aside, telling me similar things, personal relationships would break apart around me.
People would tell me ‘I don’t like it when you do that Olivia’ and I would nod, say ‘okay’ and still do it.
I knew it was me, I didn’t clue into something, but didn’t understand what it was. When I asked, people wouldn’t explain it to me, but thought I’m taking the piss, making fun of them, rubbing a sensitive topic in their face. They’d then wouldn’t believe how rude I was and how I could make the matters even worse by asking what I did (as if I was meant to clearly understand what it was).
They would then build walls around themselves and I couldn’t even talk to them anymore. They wouldn’t answer my calls, messages, and just like that, I would lose another friend.
I think being high on the autistic spectrum, having little emotional attachment and emotional understanding to things + the lack of examples or direct language, didn’t help me really understand what people meant.
Until someone said ‘Olivia, I don’t like it when you do that, please stop doing that around me’. I then got it, it was direct language, I knew I had to stop doing whatever that was. Easy peasy, I stopped. No emotional disconnect, no fuss, and just like that, I retained a friend, didn’t piss somebody off, I celebrated deep inside, super happy I finally did something right.
What that person did was explain things clearly, precisely, on point. They expressed what their boundary was, in a very matter of fact way. Hallelujah, I got it.
In my eyes, what that person also did, was … they didn’t build walls of distance between myself and them in order to get their point across.
I then understood what boundaries were.
They are invisible walls I cannot pass if stated.
If someone says ‘I don’t like when you say this to me’ - I now know that means ‘Olivia stop that’.
I do however have to clarify everything every time though, just so I know I didn’t misunderstand something.
It took me a very long time to come to this conclusion, and I am so happy and pleased I finally got it, I finally got there.
My message (and action steps) for you:
If you speak with someone who doesn’t seem to get the point, remember you may not be communicating with them in a way they understand. Keep in mind, if they don’t change their behaviour on whatever it is you’ve expressed your boundary to be, it may mean they didn’t get it. It doesn’t mean they’re rude, or they’re intentionally hurting or disrespecting you. It just means they may need direct language. If in doubt, explain with examples, in a simple, step by step, concise manner. Once they understand, you’ll really make their day … and you’ll get your wish fulfilled - your boundary respected. You don’t need to create walls of distance between you and a person you care about, you just need to learn to communicate in a different way, in order for you to be understood, and for them to understand you. Your friendship will flourish, you will grow and you will learn something new every day. Now, isn’t that great!
And always remember ...
You are loved, you are enough, you are worthy, always!
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